A good dinner toast is short, sincere and given at the right moment by the right person. You do not need champagne, a microphone or a stand-up routine. Most of the worry people feel before raising a glass comes from half-remembered rules, some of them real and some invented. Here are the myths we hear most often at restaurant celebrations, set against what established etiquette guidance actually says.
Key takeaways
- At a dinner party, the host traditionally gives the first toast.
- The person being toasted does not drink to themselves.
- Any drink will do, and a sip is enough.
- Short and heartfelt beats long and clever.
- Popular stories about where toasting came from are mostly unproven.
Myth: you need alcohol to join a toast
Fact: You do not. The Emily Post Institute’s guide to toasting etiquette says plainly that you don’t need an alcoholic drink to propose a toast or drink to one, and that a sip will do just fine. Sparkling water, juice or a soft drink in a wine glass looks no different from across the table.
You may hear that toasting with water is unlucky. That belief has a specific home: Wikipedia’s article on toasts and toasting customs records a naval superstition that a toast made with water dooms the person honoured to a watery grave. It is a tradition, not a rule of polite dining, and nobody at a family dinner will mind. If it worries you, pick juice instead.
Myth: anyone can stand up and start
Fact: Order matters a little. Emily Post’s guidance is that at a dinner party it is the host’s prerogative to give the first toast. If the host doesn’t, a guest can propose one honouring the hosts. The same applies at wedding receptions and other large functions.
At a restaurant dinner, the host is usually whoever organised it. If that is you, decide in advance whether you will speak and when. If someone else has asked to say a few words, agree an order so you are not both rising at once. Our guide to hosting a restaurant dinner as the organiser covers how to brief the staff so a toast does not collide with the main course arriving.
Myth: the guest of honour should drink along
Fact: This is the one most people get wrong. In the Emily Post guidance, the person being honoured does not stand or drink to themselves during the toast. Everyone else raises their glass and drinks. Afterwards, the honoree can stand, thank the speaker and, if they like, raise their own glass to toast the host or anyone else.
So if you are the birthday person or the retiree, keep your glass on the table, smile and wait. Then reply. It is a nice moment and takes the pressure off having to make a speech of your own.
Myth: a good dinner toast has to be long or funny
Fact: Emily Post’s advice is to keep it short and to the point, and that the best toasts are short and come from the heart. It also suggests writing out what you will say and practising it, so you are not searching for words while everyone holds a glass in the air.
A simple structure that works at any table:
- Stand (unless the gathering is small and informal) and wait for quiet.
- Say who you are, if not everyone knows you.
- Say one specific thing about the person you are toasting.
- Say what you wish them, in a sentence.
- Raise your glass and say their name.
Under a minute is plenty for most family dinners. If there are several toasts, keep each one shorter still.
| Toast element | Good example of the idea | Leave it out |
|---|---|---|
| Opening | A thank-you to everyone for coming | Long apologies for being nervous |
| The middle | One true, specific memory | Inside jokes only three people understand |
| The wish | A plain, warm hope for the future | Advice the person did not ask for |
| The close | Their name, glass raised | A second speech after the toast |
Myth: clinking glasses started as a poison check
Fact: It is a good story, but it is only a story. Wikipedia’s summary notes that the tales linking clinking glasses to fears of poisoning have no real evidence behind them. The word itself has a gentler history: the World Wide Words account of the word’s origin explains that it comes from the old practice of floating a piece of spiced toast in a glass of wine for extra flavour, and that the drinking sense appears around 1700. The popular anecdote about an admirer in Bath drinking the bathwater of a celebrated beauty is one that, the same account says, nobody believes today.
Frequently asked questions
Should I tap my glass with a knife to get attention?
It is better not to. Tapping can chip glassware and is loud in a restaurant. Standing, raising your glass and waiting a moment usually brings a table to quiet.
What if I am too nervous to speak?
Keep it to three sentences and read them from a card if you need to. Nobody expects polish at a family dinner, and a short, sincere toast read aloud is still a good toast.
When is the best moment for a toast at a restaurant?
Usually once everyone has a drink and before the main course, or with dessert. Avoid the moment plates are being served. For birthdays, see our guide to planning a birthday dinner at a restaurant, which covers timing a cake and a toast together.
Raising your glass with confidence
Decide who will speak and in what order, write three or four sentences, and keep your glass, whatever is in it, within reach. If you are being toasted, stay seated, enjoy it and say thank you afterwards. For more on running a group meal smoothly, browse our hosting guides.
